I know what you thought when you read that title! Sadly for you, I’m not writing about the copulating habits of Italian douches. Because of course, I know nothing of said habits.

As well as they can cook pasta, as good as their wine is, as beautiful as their car designs are, and as fashion conscious as they may be, there is one thing Italians are hopeless at. No, it’s not economics or telling the truth. It’s the English language.

The stereotype of the confident Italian guy who turns into a stuttering wreck when confronted with the English language is grounded in truth. I thought this only happened with face to face to communication, but it seems language skills don’t grow on Italians even when behind a computer. I will demonstrate with a few pictures of horrendous, skin crawlingly horrible English, snapped up while I was in Bell’Italia.

I saw this gem on a hop on-hop off bus in Rome. Sadly, I couldn’t record the ticket tout’s English, but believe me, it was nerve wracking.

You need to fast all time?

I’ve already shown you this here, but, it’s too good to pass up on. This was the door key card given to me in a hotel. To be fair, the General Manager of the hotel spoke such flawless English it was surreal, and all the rest of the staff were a dream. Their translation department, however, came up with this:

Pass or side your card. Yes, exactly!

I always thought coffee loosened the tongue and woke you up from the drunken stupor you find yourself in after passing out on a couch for two hours. Not so in Rome.

This coffee will stop you in your tracks

In Vino Veritas is the only Latin phrase most people know. The true meaning of the phrase comes to light here. Whoever translated to English must have been drinking Chianti Ruffino for a week before getting started on the blackboard.

Are you sure you're selling wine and not acid?

The suffering did not end there. Someone convinced this translator to also do the job on another blackboard, this time, one selling the Chef’s specials. I say do the job, but in truth, that would only apply if he were a butcher.

Wonderful use of idiom

Hotel information cards are always a source of amusement. They’re even funnier when found in a hotel in the richest area of Rome, staffed by snobs who do not hesitate to look down their nose at you, simply because you’re 15 years their junior and earn as much as they do. Yes, finding fault with people and posting on the web is sneaky, but a God-given right!

Humans depends to oxygen to live.

Hello, are you a turist?

Informations about CAPS LOCK!

Although this menu did not describe how gorgeous the food would be, it did make a promise about something called an ‘especiality’. I was confused.

And I'll also have 'The Crepes'. Yes, all of them

Have you ever realised something? Not like this you haven’t.

A capper is like a caper, except it’s a fish. I think.

Maybe you can make sense of this. It took me a good five minutes to figure it out. Once I did, I needed another Nasto Azzurro to cheer me up.

Google Translate would do a better job.

This was found in a pair of shoes. It needed to be said, as without that knowledge, no sense could be made from the whole thing. Knowing that, you can only understand that you bought some shoes.