Last time I was grammatically offended I wrote about “It’s, its and when to use apostrophe + s” Today, I’m feeling suitably relaxed, so I’ll go on to some of the finer locutions in the English language.

Finer locutions my ass, these are all basic errors that I see all too often and have declared war upon.

1: Loose vs Lose

This one is easy. Spot the correct sentence below.

If you’re not organised, you’ll loose something.

If you’re not organised, you’ll lose something.

Which one is it? That’s right, the correct sentence is the second. Why? Because if you lose something as in you misplace it, it only has a single o. Loose, on the other hand, is how your jeans feel before a meal, and loosen is what you need to do to them after. How do you use them together? On an occasion like this:

My tiara was loose, I was sure I was gonna lose it!

Or as The Oatmeal said:

Or, you want to LOSE weight because you have LOOSE body fat. That'll make you remember.

2: There, their, they’re

This is one is so simple. We all learnt this one in school. Well, some of us knew it before, but hey.

Once more, find the correct one.

Soldiers normally clip there hair short.

Soldiers normally clip their hair short.

Soldiers normally clip they’re hair short.

Come on, this is easy, just look for the tell tale signs. There is a place, they’re is ‘they are’!

Their, on the other hand is the possessive, of them, and is used when talking about their money, their size or their awesomeness, but never ever their awesome!

So if you want to use all three in a sentence, it should read something like this:

They’re taking their children over there.

I saw this one on Facebook: “Like if you think schools should let metalheads have there hair as long as they want.” I should have replied, “Sonny, learn to spell before you get all activist on us!”.

3: Definitely, definately, definitaly

Next one. I never want to see this one again, and I shouldn’t, because you get the red squiggly line when you type it erroneously, at least in two of these cases. Which is the correct option?

One country I definately want to visit is India.

One country I definitaly want to visit is India.

One country I defiantly want to visit is India.

One country I definitely want to visit is India.

Ok, so the beady eyed amongst you will have realised that this is a trick question of sorts. Let’s start with the simple part. Definately and definitaly do not exist! It’s definitely and that’s definite and final.

On the other hand, defiantly does exist, and is an adverb, that is an adjective for the verb, that describes you if you are being defiant, or intransigent, resistant, obstinate, uncooperative, noncompliant and recalcitrant.

This is defiance!

So if you’re going to use them together it should be this way;

One country I definitely want to visit is India, as it would be awesome to defiantly march stark naked in front of the Taj Mahal.

4: Could have vs could of

Let’s make it clear once and for all.

Could have, to be used when discussing the possibility of something having occurred, such as,

He could have brought me a brand new iPad from New York.

On the other hand, ‘could of‘ means absolutely nothing and people who use it should be lined up right next to people with Coldplay ringtones and shot in the head.

English, do you speak it?

5: An assorted mix of howlers

Let me give you a little advice. When you write stuff online, take the time to check it out. Remember, there are people like me waiting to pounce on your mistake and burn you at the stake for it.

Now you know. Also, watch the fat faggot just underneath you.

But in case you weren’t updated or sent a memo, were is the second person singular past, plural past, and past subjunctive of ‘be’. Wear, on the other hand, is to ‘habitually have on one’s body or be dressed in’.

I saw this gem of Facebook, and I had to control myself.

“For those who belief, no proof is necessary. For those who don’t belief, no proof is possible”

Apart from the bullshit message, I believe that belief (the noun) is not interchangeable with the transitive verb, believe.

But the biggest gem I could have read (notice correct usage of could have) is this one. Insert any name at the beginning.

…is now speaking to inanimate objects because most people are incompitent.

Which ironically enough illustrates the writer’s point exactly.

And by the way, it’s grammar not grammer. If I see that one again I’ll gouge your eyeballs out and tattoo every word from aardvark to asshole on your forehead.