No, this is not about a bonus episode of The Big Bang Theory. Some of you may have heard that a German man in Rome known as the Pope has thrown the Catholic world into stunned disbelief after saying that, get this, the use of condoms might not always be wrong. The statement has been widely welcomed by progressive Catholics, whatever those are and other reform groups.

However, the statement is far from clear and clear cut. It basically goes that condom use might be justified on a case by case basis to prevent the spread of HIV/Aids. Basically only in cases of life and death, which I believe, is every single case, but I’m not a doctor, so what do I know?

And even then, the statement is not cut and dry. Benedict mentioned, by way of example, male prostitutes, who might be allowed to use condoms so as to halt HIV from spreading, if they are infected.

But surely, that’s a shrinking demographic, isn’t it? Consider the subtext, the implicit, but still not spoken, in the statement.

These are the categories one has to fit in in order to be allowed the use of condoms without risk of eternal damnation and further Catholic guilt:

You have to be male, a man, of course, so, human, and a man. Like this:

Something like this. Abs optional.

You also have to be a prostitute. Yes, so a male and a prostitute, a male prostitute. Or escort, paid companion, gigolo, informal date or manwhore.

Jizz in the hair optional

Another unspoken requirement is that you have to be Catholic, of course. What the pope says only applies to those who have membership and loyalty schemes and such. So all you Muslim and Hindu male prostitutes will still burn in Catholic hell forever.

A set of rosary beads is enough declaration of faith.

And straight of course. What, did you think that just because you’re a Catholic, male prostitute you could get away with being gay? That’s still a sin, isn’t it? So what I suggest is that this is really just a diversion. The Church is lulling you into a false sense of security from the flames of fiery hell, because seriously, just how many straight, Catholic, male prostitutes are out there?

In fact, the British gay rights campaigner Peter Tatchell, told the BBC the Pope’s comments were significant but needed “clarification“. I repeat this call for clarification. Let me know how to help morally charged Catholic male escorts in the comments below, and your soul will be cleansed!*

*Limit one per customer. Terms and Conditions apply. Not officially recognised by the Catholic Church.