It’s that blissfully short time of the year again, New Year’s, particularly New Year’s Eve. I say this time is blissful because every year, without fail, and with inevitably escalating urgency, the big question is “What are you doing for New Year’s Eve?”

Since I am still in one of the young demographics, I regrettably receive the yearly bombardment of emails, Facebook event invites, SMSs and good old peer pressure to join the fun and festivities in any one of the huge parties being held, normally with a name as clichè as a Cher lyric. Every year, without fail, I opt out of newsletters and grunt with each unsolicited text. You will not be surprised to learn that I do not attend any one of the parties. There are 7 reasons why New Years Eve parties in Malta either suck, or blow. I’m sure many of you will find you’re in agreement.

1: Price

Most parties are overpriced affairs at best, and daylight robbery combined with usury at worst. I tweeted this yesterday: “Just heard of NYE party in Malta; €40 entrance, no open bar. Fuck that, for €40 I better be levitated from the door onto naked supermodels.” Many seemed to agree with me.

2: Open Bars

Open bars are a great way to enjoy a night out and flagrantly disregard drink driving laws, unless, of course, the drinks are diluted, or even better, mixed down with surgical spirit or some such additive. We’ve all heard the horror stories, ‘hardened alcoholics succumb to four drinks, before the clock strikes 12′ or else ‘I had 35 drinks and all I got was a weak, yellow string of piss’. Both are hardly the desired outcome.

Take a guess what's in that

3: No open bar, drinks overpriced

So I ostensibly paid an entrance fee, lower than at other parties. But now I have to call in a quickie bank loan to buy a midnight round consisting of two beers, a Jack Coke and a Sprite for the lady. Not cool brah, you won’t see me next year.

4: Exclusive parties

Yeah right, they’re all so exclusive, it’s like Alton Towers here. Example, the Club Rich €25 open bar, with popular Maltese music acts for entertainment. Very exclusive, I’m sure. You’ll see millionaires queueing up outside.

That's what I picture when I hear 'exclusive'

5: Nightmarish parking

Same as every weekend, especially if you’re in the Paceville, Sliema, Swieqi area, but worse, because every man and his dog is out.

6: Suits

Our wise mathematician here at markbiwwa.com had this quip to offer: “New Year’s Eve is the the exact same deal as every weekend, but in suits“. Not that we have anything against suits, but when everyone is wearing one, your finely cut Italian loses some of its inherent power. Unlike, say on this day.

It says 'legendary' not New Years

7: Venues

Any of these stories sound familiar?

• overcrowding of the venue till unsafe
• freakishly empty venue, 150 people in a cavern the size of Utah
• smoky venues due to abuse of anti-smoking laws
• smoking laws enforced, so you have to go outside to get a fag
• bathrooms. Need I say more?
• boring music, boring bands. Happens too often

So yes, like many others I opine that it’s better to spend time with actual friends, someplace where you can actually talk over the music, and have a bit of home made dip, you know.