Some of you may have stumbled upon this gem of a blog post on Daphne Caruana Galizia‘s blog. In it, Daphne follows up from another blog post, in which she mentions that she saw “Magistrate Herrera sat with her lover Musumeci, her brother Jose and that charlatan Bundy“.
The tone of the conversation in the comments, if one could even dare call it that, is harsh at best and downright offensive very often. Not to me of course, I’ve watched Xarabank one too many times, so my nerve endings are frayed and I feel no pain. However, it seems nothing is off the table/under the belt with these two, what with talk of marital infidelity, backhanders, and the epically rude “ja ħamalla tikteb bl-Ingliż“, which loosely translates to “you English speaking chav” being directed at DCG, or “Defni“, as one of my favourite Twitter followers dubbed her.
Now, I understand that there’s political beef between these two, so I can see where the anger, bitterness and vitriolic hate stems from. I don’t care much for political bickering of this sort, but I did see an angle here.
To me, a martial arts obsessed youngster with a healthy cynicism, this looks a lot like a death-match, which I’m used to seeing in kung fu films.
To that end, here is my list of five places I want to see John Bundy and Daphne Caruana Galizia fighting in. Some are uncomfortable. Some are strangely poetic. Some are quite simply cinematic in the style of Hero. I find that the celebrity deathmatch as a means of resolving dispute is underutilised in Malta. Let’s have a look what happens if it’s a well organised bout.
This is a luzzu. Well not technically, I think a Luzzu is a little bigger, but you get the idea. I want Daphne Caruana Galizia and John Bundy arguing at the top of their lungs at different ends of the luzzu. The argument will escalate, the proverbial pot boileth over. Like tigers with gnashing teeth they leap at each other, clumsily hitting their foreheads somewhere in the middle. A freak storm awakens out of the now silent harbour, and Daphne CG and Bundy are washed out to Tunisia.
The Portomaso Tower
And I don’t mean inside the Tower, not even inside Level 22, the club where the supposed masters of this country congregate and compare arm candy and cock girth. No, I want the combatants right on top where the helicopters land (supposedly) and where wind speeds can shear a business jacket off like a sushi knife peels a prawn. We will have to watch out for any diesel or Martini spills of course, as slipping off here will land you right in front of Diamonds International. Hell, if John slipped I’d be damned if he didn’t become a Bundy stone himself!
To me, Ġgantija is not only a symbol of our civilisation, but the oldest symbol we have in Malta, at over 8000 years of age. Don’t you just want humanity to come full circle, 800 decades after, in the same way we came in, enemy’s hair in hand, kicking up dust into your opponent’s face? How very Troy or even Gladiator. Shit, if we could tape it using a steady hand, we could add CGI later on and use it to market Malta as a movie destination. And we could drag the lifeless bodies of our slain heroes just across the street, and lay them to rest at the Brockdorff Circle.
The Luqa Monument
Sure, Ġgantija may be a monument that stands for the Maltese Islands and all, but if there’s a real, true, honest to God symbol of the Maltese in the last few years, then it’s the Luqa Monument, that which needs no name, no description. And a fitting location for a deathmatch it would be. We already saw the ideals of some Maltese strewn across the sinewy mass of the monument during Pope Benedict’s visit. We have already had a veritable fight to the death between Government, Luqa Local Council and citizens over this artistic endowment. Bundy and Daphne, grappling at each other while shifting around the third and central member of the fight leaves more than meets the eye. In fact, we are fortunate the monument is so tall, as this way none of of us can catch its eye.
David Gatt’s house
What could be better? The stuff of fantasy, the stuff of dreams. A columnist, a DJ and an avowed Mafia boss, two fighting, one hosting the party. I’ve already listed my 19 Fun Facts about Malta crime boss David Gatt, but imagine if we could add a 20th. One that goes something like this:
“Apart from racing vintage Alfa Romeos in a Roman dust-bowl and training falcons to import heroin from Morocco, a past time of Zu Gatt’s is hosting celebrity deathmatches at his mother’s house in Birkirkara. Hundreds of celebrities were sacrificed to a bloodthirsty criminal element audience over the years, but the event that left an indelible mark on the population was the fight between Daphne Caruana Galizia and John Bundy, which was preceded by a Griffin arm wrestling a pig. Such was the violence and severity of the beating both celebrities sustained, that their tortured souls exploded, only to reunite as one, thereby sentencing all the Maltese to 5 years of servitude, with Norman Lowell as their Prime Minister. The worst part of it all of course was, for 5 long years, Maltese talents could not hope to reach for the skies of the Eurovision.”
No celebrities were harmed in the making of this blog post, unlike the video clip boycotting the circus, where they all, including Bundy, showed us just how damaged they are. And speaking of damage, a clear assessment of where my brain went wrong on this post can be reached by playing a few hours of Tekken 6 – Platinum Edition and eating a steak, bloody.
Small Update: I went ahead and made a flyer for the occasion. If you like it, save it to your desktop and make it your Facebook picture. And you should totally ‘like’ my Facebook page here.