Today is Valentine’s Day, the day you either love to love or love to loathe, much like the Eurovision, except without the sneering derision.

The magazines and media would have you believe that we are docile litte love bunnies who adore nothing more than a day dedicated to love. However, the dark underbelly is present in full force too. In fact, I myself quite disappointed that The Onion’s Annual Valentine’s Day Stoning Of Happy Couples did not actually take place this year.

Here are 5 things guys hate about Valentine’s Day, and this is not counting those goddamned godawful Valentine’s day competition on Facebook, which have all the cheesiness of mature cheddar and the warm caress of a speculum.

1: Angels

Guys don’t like angels, not only because they’re gay, but because they can fly, and we’d love to be able to do that! Since we can’t, we hate them! Remember this about men, if we can’t fuck it, we’ll kill it, and since angels have wings, we can realistically do neither.

Angels never make much of an appearance in an average guy’s life, but a tiny bare assed winged freak with a bow and arrow forces millions of them every year to abide by his supposed will. This is highly illogical, and every man finds this an affront to their masculinity; “Say what, an angel is gonna tell me to be nice to my wife?”

Men would have no problem with Valentine's if Cupid looked like this, and was called Angelica or something.

2: Gifts

Of course I said gifts, do you think men like running around the shops like headless chickens with the daunting task of finding you, the princess a perfect gift? Valentine’s really is a ‘Show me how much you love me – or else’ kind of affair. Have you tried going round the shops at Valentine’s, they’re full of cheesy, kitschy, red crap, which you can’t possibly give, because it’s corny and you know it.

Come on ladies, you must have thought that the card you opened this morning was the exact same one maybe another thousand girls had already opened. And does my girlfriend really need another useless stuffed toy with a huge heart on it? Stuff that!

And then of course there's that 'wrong size' gift mistake

3: So you’re Single?

So what if you’re single on Valentine’s day? Most guys don’t give a toss about it, but there might be some, theoretically speaking, who are alone, yet have their eyes on someone. Do they take the risk and go out blazing with a happy happy heart heart card and ask for a date?

Asking anyone out on Valentine’s day is going to result in her boyfriend killing you or being made a mockery of on the spot, because you’re the 5th one today and you have pimples. Valentine’s sucks because even if you make the effort and grow a pair, it still doesn’t really count.

4: Flowers

Flowers suck dude. For a start, as some brilliant comedian said, they are the only thing we buy and fully expect to die soon. Secondly, you pay a lot for a bunch of stupid fucking flowers. Third, they’re cheesy, and don’t say they not sista, cuz they are. And fourth, flowers have the unique capacity of nailing you even you don’t actually buy any. Because of course, if you ask her what she wants, that means you are not listening.

"That little slut Diane got 4 bouquets, and all you got me was those 5 stinking roses!"

5: We did all of this last year

Granted, maybe not with you, but dude, last year, we ate dinner in a helicopter over the Adriatic Sea while dolphins clad in red velvet did formation dancing in the waves beneath us. No matter how extravagant and complete last year’s Valentine was, we have to do it all over again this year, but differently. Which means finding another restaurant, another gift, another bunch of flowers and feeling like a sucker all over again.

And there’s no way you’re ever really going to impress anyone on Valentine’s day, because even after you’ve maxed out your credit card on flowers, chocolates, a gift and an expensive but tasteless dinner, some bastard in the restaurant is going to propose, on his knees, no doubt while riding an imported porpoise, and make you all look like dimwitted assholes.

And then there's this sad little gem of truth.

Feeling slightly dirty and sexist? I can give you absolution! Ladies and gents, read the other side of the story here, entitled 5 Reasons Girls Hate Valentine’s Day and written by none other than my insanely romantic girlfriend.