Planking, it seems, has ‘taken Malta by storm’. Contrary to popular belief, the “rules of “planking” are not as explained by a Times of Malta commenter, that is; “Ask the person to stand facing away, purchase a 2 x 4 plank of wood, smack them on the back of the head very hard. Once they recover remind them what a plank they really are.” In fact, according to Wikipedia, “the term “planking” was coined in Australia and the practice became a fad in 2011. Planking is described as the practice of lying down flat with arms to the side, to mimic a wooden plank.”

As is typical, lots of people, especially on the Times of Malta website, are getting all riled up and twisting their knickers. One guy said it best when he wrote “….yes, kids can so stupid things at times and I accept that, what I don’t accept is that whenever some kid dies doing something stupid everyone tries and find something wrong with society or the system to put the blame on.” So in that very same spirit, these are the Top 5 Places you Should Not ‘Plank’.

1: Planking In Church

Church planking may be a holy endeavour indeed, however it is fraught with risk, what with all the men wearing skirts not being able to see where their next step is going, altar boys running out of church as if their pants are fire, real and actual fire from candles, and the fact that many old Maltese churches have crypts beneath them. That said, most people at mass seem to be ‘seat-planking’, a practice peculiar to places of worship around the world, so perhaps a real and actual plank might not go amiss.

2: Planking on an old Malta Bus

Ooh the BBC wrote about our old buses, the BBC wrote about our old buses! The self important moment passes and you’re left planking on a bus that’s as old as some really rather old wood. As the BBC correspondent himself wrote “From early morning until late at night, fume-belching buses sweep around the fountain, picking up passengers, negotiating log-jams and stopping for the odd half-hour rest.” Too much mention of wood there, and somehow I doubt that our drivers would take very kindly to a planker. Planker / Plankee? Enlighten me.

3: Planking on any sort of construction site

All around the world, construction sites are known to be  hazard ridden, be it from falling debris, wolf whistles or the occasional builder bum. Keeping that in mind, planking on a construction site, especially in Malta, would be met with stony faces and a rock solid demeanour, as opposed to say, a more wooded reception. Also, you don’t fancy shoving your face into cement dust do you? Go on now, save the planet!

4: Portomaso Tower Plank

I once wrote about how we ought to misappropriate (see: redistribute) Portomaso Tower from the business elite and douchebag flotsam and jetsam who currently inhabit it, and make it into a gladiatorial ring. That didn’t go down very well. Planking would also not work very well up there. Wind speeds, heli pads and the temptation others will have to kick you down are the three reasons I can think of. Got more?

5: A Plank In Parliament

Parliament is most certainly not a place for planking. It is a place for seriousness, balanced debates, democracy, conscience and all sorts of higher values which you commoners could not possibly wrap your tiny bird brains around. Planking is a banal pastime for the unwashed masses, we here are plotting the future of this country and have no time for such puerile and childish activities.

On second thoughts however, Mazzun’s semi-plank exposé has whet my plank appetite. If anyone can get me a photo of Joseph Muscat planking on the Speaker’s chair, I’ll give you the keys to my car. It’s not much, but then neither is most of what we’ve heard from that hideous room lately.