There’s a million and one ways to greet the million and one callers you get at your door these days. Traditionally, the most spurned of these are the humble Jehovah’s Witnesses, even though they are the best dressed, most courteous and most well meaning of the lot. In fact, I can’t remember ever seeing a brown sticker declaring that brown nosing politicians need not knock on this door. I sense an opportunity missed there.

Here’s a short list of approaches to help you deal with these unwanted visitors. They work with wildest success when confornted with a visitor of the religious sway and reasonably well with any visitor. The point is, of course, to dissuade them from ever visiting again, barring, of course, the police, for whom a few of these ‘approaches’ are legal ground to search the premises. Here is my list of 13 things to say (or do) to people who knock on your door.

1: Answer the door in a towel.

Preferably an old, faded and threadbare beach towel. Open a window before you open you door. You catch my drift. So will your visitors.

 2: Ask for their address.

When asked why, you can say “So I can come and press some unwanted literature into your wet hands, wet because you had to rush out of the shower to see who the hell is at the door.”

 3: Try to be helpful.

For example, the visitor might ask ”Have you found Jesus?” Your answer should be, “No, but together we can look for him”. Then turn around, drop your towel, which we mention in 1 above, and start looking in the corners of the room. On all fours.

 4: Converse.

Why not? If you’re well versed in the holy verses, you can always have a have good chat with your vistors about the bible, especially the uncomfortable bits. Think, for example, of all the rape in the so called good book.

5: Represent.

If you’re not entirely comfortable discussing the finer points of ecclesiastical law, you can go the other way; grab your bible and start ‘witnessing’ to your visitors. This way you’ll steal not only their thunder, but their hellfire too.

6: Invoke.

If neither argument nor pseudo-religious fervour are to your taste, you can start praying. For example, intone into a long, Wagner-like hymn which starts off with something like “Diabolus , nostrum vinco quod abbas of universum”, and hope your visitors understand pig latin.

7: A Theatrical Approach.

Answer the door wielding a long knife with blood dripping off the blade. Politely ask your visitors to come round later as you’re not done with the virgin yet.

8: Pretend you’re mute.

And just say nothing.Your visitors will run out of steam without any sort of feedback. This is not for the faint hearted, and certainly not the politically correct. Otherwise you could not pretend to be mute, and just ignore your visitors, perhaps make them follow you round the house.

9: Bluff.

This works only with religious types, but a flair for creativity can see it adapted to any situation. Tell your visitors you do not fancy any form of Western theology. In fact, tell them you are a member of the church of the holy equine and that you meet at the nearest stable or horse track every Wednesday at dusk.Inform your visitors that during your prayer meetings you ceremoniously and collectively bite the head off a horse. Then, invite them to join you, on condition they bring the horse. And smile, a really REALLY BIG smile, all the way along.

10: Gay

Put a rainbow flag up out front, on your door or anywhere that can be seen before they can ring your bell. They’ll think you’re gay and stay clear.

11: Scare tactics

Put a picture of Baphomet on your front door. Even better, call your black labrador off the offending party by yelling “Down Satan, stay!”

12: Be a martyr

Answer the door with an automatic weapon by your side and yell “Allah be Praised!!!” Afterwards, be cool and just see what happens.

13: Do a Snoop

And make them wait.