Joe Borg, a man whom I will neither call ‘Father’ nor a blogger, is ostensibly concerned at what he calls a ‘rise in rabid anti-clericalism’ here in Malta. He thinks this is so primarily because of an article in l-Orizzont, a newspaper which while few people bother to shoplift, even less bother to buy. Now, I don’t agree with people who say that the Church and clergy are despised because of the divorce referendum, or because of the child abuse scandals, or even because of undue political influence. No, I don’t agree with those assessments at all. However, I do have a couple of ideas as to why ‘rabid anti-clericalism’ is ‘on the rise’. In fact, I have 5 Reasons why ‘rabid anti-clericalism’ is ‘on the rise’.

1: Fashion Sense

It’s 2011 and although most of the clergy has done away with the cassock, there is always the issue of the dog collar. I’m no stylist, but I’m willing to bet that the dog collar will only look good if worn in an ‘ironic’ way by an anorexic male model decked out in Hugo Boss. And we haven’t even mentioned the sacred vestments you celebrate mass in. Seriously bros, get a mink coat a’la Snoop Dogg or something, because that white and purple thing you got going on is deader than a dodo. And by the way, those blue shirts; it’s high time someone told you, they’re purposefully manufactured for civil servants and IT support guys.
Perhaps, try a pearly white. No tie.

2: Sermons

Sermons are long, sermons are lame, and what’s worse, sermons are comprised mostly of bullshit. Mind you, the only sermons I’ve heard in recent years were at funerals, and even in my saddened state, I felt like using the incense thingie as one would a ball and chain. In a medieval battlefield. When faced with a dwarf armed to the teeth. Regardless, we already have way too much info on our hands padre, and time is of the essence. Get on with it, because I never did click your subscribe button after all. I would certainly not have signed on for extensive explanations of what fish and bread are supposed to mean to my life on a day to day basis. Protein and carbs, I get it.

3: Church Bells

Church bells totally suck, especially if you’re a warmongering atheist dog who also happens to be lazy. Why should I be awoken at 11 on a Sunday just because a bunch of you decided to gather in a place you decided was special. I was busy until 5 this morning, drowning the sorrows of my Catholic upbringing, could you please have some decency and ask the priest to cut the bells out, and perhaps, send an SMS instead? Targeting and optimization, these are key words for this decade reverend!

4: Confusion

These days, you just have to dumb it down. The Church, on the other hand does a fantastic job of confusing and obfuscating, which in the past worked well enough, but today simply loses them followers, much like an overly pedantic Twitter profile does. Perhaps what they need is to dump all the different gangs and neighborhoods (I’m sorry, I’m not too well versed on the religious orders) and unite in a single big group, perhaps even call it the United Saviours Tribe of Jesus & Associates. USTJA.

5: Music

The clergy and music go together like sardines and peanut butter. Why oh why do we still have to suffer while some ordained idiot with an expensive guitar and and an extensive knowledge of the 4/4 time signature warbles about how Jesus can save you? That’s just not right. Especially if he’s wearing a black shirt, black trousers and the aforementioned dog collar. Not very rock’n'roll at all. Perhaps they could find some altar boy and make him sing some horrible song. Maybe they could even call the song ‘Sunday’. Put that shit on YouTube and watch the fans rolling in. I know of a girl who did that. It ended well for her.