Living on this island in summer is fraught with danger and annoyance. Not only does the news go mad, so do politicians and the general populace. One manifestation of this madness is the typical Maltese festa, often touted to tourists as the be all and end all of being in Malta. Which is a crock of shit. Many Maltese despise the festas and the hassles they bring with them. In fact, I listed 7 Reasons why I hate Festas. And by the way, I call them festas, not festi, because I write in English and screw your opinions too. Unless you want to give me more reasons why I should hate festas, which you should do in the comments below.

1: Fireworks

I’ve already had my dig at fireworks for being so dangerous, and many didn’t like that. Perhaps what I didn’t emphasise enough is just what a bother and nuisance fireworks really are. Not only are they as dangerous as hell, they’re the only thing that can make staying at home about as loud and hellish as going to a club. I don’t see why I should leave my own house to avoid your dumbasss boom-boom things! There’s weekends where everywhere you go it’s like the parishes are either vying for divine attention or bombing the shit out of each other. If it was the second I know I wouldn’t mind so much; it would be tough to get a rematch next year.

2: Marching bands

What is the deal with the bleeding marching bands? Actually, that sounds like a good zombie film intro, so forget it. But come on man, marching bands? Through the streets? Playing the sort of music I’d use instead of white noise in torture sessions? And those ridiculous uniforms! You look like the overweight parade, get the hell off my street, I’m watching Breaking Bad!

3: T-Shirts

Surely the scourge of t-shirt printers must be the sweaty fellows (they have to be sweaty, have you felt how hot it is?) who go and order 17,583 white/red/blue t-shirts, with a white/red/blue font on them proclaiming that it’s the 137th year of this particular Madonna’s statue in this particular niche, in this particular church in this particular parish in this particular god forsaken pocket of the earth. To which all printers dutifully abide, because hey, they got kids to feed, and we are granted another spectacle of sub-par humans parading about in their ridiculous non slogan t-shirts.

4: Superstition

Let’s face it, festas are all about superstitions. Forget the whole religion thing for a moment, which I know is not hard to do, and separate the festas into Church and Other. Church is pretty much what happens in Church, barring the procession and a few other minor hassles. Other, on the, ahem, other hand, encompasses your band marches, fireworks, bingo nights and other select events of delectable entertainment. And they do this because of the aforementioned Madonna statue? And that’s not a superstition you say? That’s weird, because I was just watching something about the Philippines, a very superstitious nation the TV said, and I COULDN’T FUCKING FINISH IT BECAUSE YOUR FIREWORKS CAME ON!

5: Road Hassles

If you do leave the house in seek of solace and refuge, prepare to find none. Our roads, which are normally at the pinnacle of efficiency, transform themselves into a cross between a 3D maze and Tetris. To get out of town you need to dodge about 5000 of those stupid angels on big pedestals they have, as if angels had nothing better to do than hold your damn bulbs up. And after that, you’ll find that half the streets are closed, or at least, closed to where you’re going, because the hotdog guy halfway down the road has a queue of 300 hungry festa aficionados in front of the stall, and hey, he’s got kids to feed.

6: Decorations

Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not that much of a party popper, I don’t hate all the festa decorations. Some of them are not bad, some are even ok. But when it’s like the town has been carpet bombed with velvet and bulbs, it’s a bit much. Wasteful of energy even. Even worse when you find yourself staring at some monkey man from your bedroom window, while he stands in a high-up box patching wires together in the street. While you’re butt naked. Watching porn.

7: Exemptions

Festas, I find, are granted massive exemptions from what we normally consider to be rule of law. Want to congregate a mass of people for no particularly pressing issue, in the town’s main square and villages? No way. Is it for a festa? Sure thing. Want to make noise until all hours, dirty the streets with paper and rubbish, cause huge inconveniences and generally piss people off? Is is for a festa? Right this way please. We need good people like you, we have mouths to feed.