You may have guessed that Angelik is not my favorite person in the world. It’s not that I hate the stupid son of a bitch. In fact, I do tend to agree with Daphne Caruana Galizia when she says that he’s probably a bit of a simpleton himself, and just as gullible as his idiotic followers. No I don’t hate Angelik, rather, I hate the Xarabankisation of his followers; the idea that just because they have an opinion, they deserve to be heard from and have their ideas as respected as all others, because it’s ‘their opinion’. All of which is a total crock of shit considering that their ideas are empirically unprovable, scientifically perverted and logically flawed. But since we’re on the topic of opinions, here are 5 things which, in my humble opinion, Angelik Caruana should do.

1: Go for a run

Have you seen a photo of Angelik recently? He looks a lot more like Japan’s best sumo offerings than a ‘man of the cloth’. Cloth, which Angelik of course requires in copious amounts. Perhaps he might consider running up the hill of Borg in-Nadur prior to delivering his so called ‘holy messages’. I daresay that if he ran up that hill, that would give him some bleeding visions.

2: Read a book

An actual book, not a fairy tale. Perhaps one of the Lincoln Rhyme books, which should teach him a little about forensic analysis, but not enough to stop him being such an entertaining fool. And If Jeffrey Deaver’s writing is a tad too pedantic for Angelik, may I suggest a compendium of Sherlock Holmes’ escapades, one adapted for children between the ages of 4 and 7.

3: Bleed some more

But not on statues for now, not just yet. Maybe he’d be interested in owning a holy bedpan, which ‘miraculously’ fills up with blood, hopefully his own. Or perhaps a ‘sainted carpet’ over which he spills his blood. Bleeding was considered to be a healthy activity in the Dark Ages, and I wonder how Angelik has neglected that little detail from his Great Plague era repertoire. I’m also given to understand that the Romans knew a thing or two about bleeding in warm water so that the pain is not felt. That might be an option to consider for Angelik, provided his lard ass does not force him to float too high.

4: A 24 hour detox

When I feel stressed out and my body feels like it can’t handle the pace any more, one thing that helps is a 24 hour detox. There countless variations of the detox, but it’s fairly simple; basically shy away from solid foods for 24 hours and drink lots of water, lemon, pomegranate, grapefruit and other fruits’ juices and perhaps roasted almonds and other dried nuts which offer enough sustenance so as not to feel faint, while allowing your body to get rid of the toxins you inevitable force into it on an everyday basis. I think if Angelik tried this one out I’d want to see it streamed live on the net; the idea of this whale like protrusion of a man moaning for a lamb chop or baby back ribs after 1.5 hours of fasting is too hilarious to pass upon.

5: Become an eBay seller

I have a suspicion that this Angelik bullshit is all about money. I can understand that, far greater evils have been carried out in the name of cash before. But may I suggest taking out the drama and focusing on the product at hand? Buy a few thousand of those cheap China made Madonnas of yours Angelik, bleed yourself or a similarly large mammal on the regular, and start selling that shit on eBay! Shit bro, you can buy a Holy Toast Stamp with a picture of the Madonna on it from Amazon, and you’re telling me you can’t find a few thousand suckers who’ll each cough up €30 plus postage for a bleeding Madonna, literally? Because if you can’t Big Smoke, you’re in the wrong racket.