I’m a fairly frequent flyer, by which I mean, I get ants in my pants every two weeks and mope until I fly away once again. I love everything that comes with travel, except airport security. Here’s 5 reasons why airport security is full of shit.

1.Liquids

Is it just a coincidence that every beverage sold within the airport is sold at triple the price you can get it outside? Really and seriously, if you can see the liquid can’t you tell whether it is a dangerous good or not? And what if I take a sip in front of you? What if I douse myself in this fluid and give my queue neighbour a hug?

I thought you people were trained for this shit. I don’t see why a bottle of water is considered lethal when lighter fluids are allowed straight through. Then the sweet irony of being to able to buy hairspray or spray-on deodorant without a single problem from any shop within the terminal. Mmm, methinks hairspray and lighter fluid….doesn’t that spell fire hazard?

Bought from the airport in exchange for a slice of my soul

2. Electronics

When it comes to electronics in your luggage, you need to take it out, put it on the scanner belt and wait. How does the person behind the scanning machine really know what the electrical components should look like in every single system? Remember what happened when the first MacBook Airs were rolled out onto the scanners? People freaked because it looked different. Can’t let you through m’am, your laptop looks weird! Yes it does look weird, but only because you’re an unschooled, rude lout with an excuse for a job. Now piss off out of my way.

“Can you switch it on for me Sir?” Say what, may you switch it on? No, I just might have 5 million dollars worth of software and movies on my machine, so no, it stays off, officer.

3. Metal knives on planes

Really, do I need to say more? So you give me pain and hassle about every damn thing in my bag, but then, I get a metal set of cutlery on the plane. Granted, it’s not a steak knife I get, but if you piss me off enough, I’m plenty sure I could kill one of you with that blunt steel knife. Just need to jab in the right parts, the soft parts of your face for example.

Think about it.

Of course, all of this conveniently forgets that I can buy a Victorinox pen knife from the departure lounge souvenir shops. A Victorinox pen knife with Large & Small Blade, Corkscrew, a Can Opener with small Screwdriver, a Bottle Opener with large Screwdriver and Wire Stripper, a Reamer, Punch and Sewing Eye, Key Ring, Tweezers, Toothpick, Scissors and Multipurpose Hook, all of which can slice, dice, hang and quarter an indeterminate amount of overweight security personnel, not to mention flight assistants and pilots.

4. Taking off your shoes.

Pardon me, why exactly do you have the metal detectors again? Shouldn’t that be enough? Oh wait, they’re not because you let me bring as many damn cigarette lighters as I please. FFS, this isn’t a mosque, why do you humiliate me so? I dare you to mention one person who was apprehended with something in their shoes when they took them off, and not say, when they tried to light their shoes on fire.

For fuck's sake!

5. The attitude

I get it, your job is stressful and you deal with a number of malodorous runts on the daily. But there’s no need for the attitude sister. Your frustration because you live out in Tottenham or Harlem should not be part and parcel of the shit I have to deal with. Yes, I need a laptop, phone and tablet on my travels, Shaniqua. It’s a work conference love, do you know what that is? Yes, we sit in a circle and pledge allegiance to the Lord Satan for the Rastafarian takeover of the world. Can I go now?

I've never been so intimate with someone, my entire life. Thanks for that experience Shaniqua my love. I feel we've bonded now.