Football, or soccer, as the Americans fondly know it, is one of the world’s most popular sports, although I did read somewhere that fishing surpasses it by far. I’m from a football mad country, although my countrymen have rarely exceeded mediocre levels in the sport. However, that is not why I hate football. In fact, I ought to specify that I despise club football, and not the other competitions such as the Euro Cup or World Cup. I can live with those, although what happens in Qatar still remains to be seen. In any case, here are my 5 Reasons why I hate football. Feel free to set your hooligans on me, I’m more of a martial arts guy myself.
I get it, all sport is business. This I can understand. I’m no snow white virgin who thinks that baseball/basketball/curling or any other sport is not at least to a certain degree about cold hard cash. But football takes it too far. When young players are being transferred for the equivalent of their country’s annual GDP, it’s time to take a good look at ourselves and realise that no, no kick of a ball is actually worth 17.5 million Euro/GBP, thank you very much.
Speaking of the players, there are few of them who actually give a toss about the club they play for, you know, the club which pays them enough to afford mansions and fleets of Maseratis. Maybe this is just me, but in my world, loyalty is big. Like, real big. If I pay you millions and you bad mouth me to the media even before you grow a pair to tell your agent to start transfer proceedings, you best change your address. Ingrate bastard footballers act exactly like mercenaries do. If I wanted to hear all about intrigue and backstabbing, I’d follow local and international politics. Oh wait, I do.
I’ve rarely ever liked a football player. The reason? Well, there’s no smoke without fire, and to be truthful, most football players are just exceedingly rich semi literate spoilt little brats. What’s worse, they have no inclination to improve themselves. Give you an example, when Shakira’s second album did well, what did the singer do? Move to another label? Buy a diamond encrusted yacht? No, she went back to university. To study history. Disguised as a man. Can you even imagine Balotelli or his ilk anywhere within 6 feet of a book? So please, enough with this moronic drivel about millionaire footballers who aren’t even aware of your existence, let alone give a solitary fuck about you and your support for ‘their’ team.
4: Tribal bullshit
Our team won, and we defeated you and we’re the champions this and champions that. Oh really? Piss off. For a start, unless you actually own shares in the teams or know how to bet really well, ‘your’ team won you a big fat fuck all. And secondly, what with the Palestinians and Israelis, Indians and Pakistanis, Sikhs and Muslims and everyone else fighting over nonsensical and fictitious bullshit, all we need are more divisions because that guy wears a different colour shirt and prefers the 11 men from that side of town. Grow up children.
And by the way, anyone ever told you how ridiculous it is when you wear a club t-shirt with some Brazilian millionaire’s name emblazoned on the back of the damn thing? Well, it is, patently and obviously ridiculous. For a start you look nothing like him, second you don’t have his level of fitness or skill, and third, you don’t see me going to the shops in a yellow Bruce Lee-style tracksuit, now do you?
So this is it huh folks? A couple hundred thousand years of evolution and this is where the ball drops, metaphorically speaking. All we aspire to be is an illiterate athlete who kicks a faux pig skin around for a living, enjoys unsporting behaviour and actually has the temerity to call his job ‘slavery‘. Sorry Descartes, sorry Chomsky, seems you won’t be getting replaced just quite yet. Got any doubts? A bib is a basic garment worn in many team sports. One would think that a professional athelete would be rather familair with bibs. One would be mistaken. The star of the show, again, Mario Balotelli, who cost Manchester City £24 million. I’m sure the Abu Dhabi owners of the club feel that this amount of money should have got them at least a player who can put his own damn bib on by himself.
Update – This post got me interviewed by Cafe Calcio. You can listen to the whole thing about 30 mins in, here - http://soundcloud.com/cafe-calcio/cafe-calcio-8th-november-2012