Surely one of the banes of modern existence is SMS advertising, coupled with maybe, just maybe, spam email, identity theft and ‘spotty internet coverage’. I have no idea if this hot marketing tactic is as popular overseas as it is here, but dear lord do they use it to maximum effect here in Malta. Of course, this is is only if by ‘maximum effect’ you mean ‘bugging the living shit out of the general populace‘. Here are 5 Reasons Why I Hate SMS ads.

1: Payment

You might say, ‘Oh what’s the big fuss about a couple of SMS ads, doesn’t Google do advertising and dont’ Facebook ads bug you?” The short answer, “No”. The long answer is this. I pay to use Vodafone/Go/Melita’s service. Normally, when you pay, you get something called the “ad free version”. Now with Google, I use a shitload of products, entirely for free. And I get ads. Which I can understand completely, because I’ve never, ever paid Google a cent to use Gmail, Search, News, Books, Maps, Translate or anything else.

2: Timing

There is such a thing as ‘time-sensitive’ targeting in advertising. For example, if you work for a short term loan company, your best bet is to go full out with ads about two weeks after payday, after us schmucks have spent every single dime we own. When it comes to SMS ads, it seems this is a philosophy unheard of. Listen, Monday at midday is not a good time for to decide if I might want to pay €173 to buy tickets for a posh twat party, so I get to hang out with a bunch of shirt and loafer types on a given Friday two weeks from now. Unless you’re selling cocaine or condoms, I can think of nothing I’m interested in buying at 2 in the morning. And unless you’re bearing coffee and blowjobs, no one who interrupts my sleep at 7 AM is going to get a good reception, whatever ‘exclusive’ party or cheap shit electronics you’re hawking.

3: Mysteries

I’m not a complete idiot, so I don’t go around giving my phone number to anyone who asks for it. In fact I actively make a face when asked for my phone number, and go as far as to ask if this is going into your database. Still, I simply can not for the life of me understand how the hell Forestals, or Privè, or Fabric or whomever it is, got their filthy mitts onto my number. I’ve never given these people a cent, let alone my phone number.

Someone on told MarkBiwwa on Twitter that they started receiving these ad SMSs only after they donated to L-Istrina in 2009. Now I’m not accusing anyone of wrongdoing here, but I’m not going too far if I suggest the possibility that Where’s Everybody sold their database to someone. Of course, I understand that even my service provider must be selling ‘marketers’ my number and making a killing, but still, this hardly seems right, especially as I thought that by EU law, you were supposed to opt-in to a marketing spiel, not be forced to opt out. I understand that the providers may be following the letter of the law, but as to the spirit, this is more akin to spitting into a bottle of Jack.

4: Opting-out

This may seem like a Herculean task, but in fact, it is more akin to Sisyphus, the one who was sentenced to carry a boulder up a mountain, forever. When trying to get rid of these pesky ads, nothing will really help. According to very helpful dude on the MarkBiwwa Facebook page, what you have to do is “email the retailer formally requesting that they desist sending you unsolicited communications. CC the consumer rights contact into the email for added oomph”, which seems like a good way to do things.

Of course, you could call your telephony provider, but it won’t be fun. Vodafone will give you the excuse that the number list is generated by a machine and it is the user who has to opt out. People have told me that even after sending an opt out SMS, they got more ads, to which Vodafone said “Maybe you’re receiving them from someone else, not Vodafone.” which is just polite-speak for “Your problem, not ours, now fuck off.”

I was even told that nowadays you don’t need any of the local companies to send SMSs. Many companies send their so called ‘marketing efforts’ through an overseas SMSC (Short Message Service Center). They do not have a clear way to let you unsubscribe and what they are doing is probably illegal. Which is where the police come in. Seriously, I was informed in no unclear way that the Malta Police, yes them, were extremely helpful, and “amazingly serious” about the issue when a reader did in fact report someone. Which is a pleasant and entirely unexpected surprise, given that the MCA couldn’t give a shit.

5: Disturbance

Before you get all pedantic on me, Disturbance is not the same as point #2, Timing. Let me explain. Could you quickly and honestly give me a correct answer to “Where do Google and Facebook show their ads?”. No, you probably can’t. Here lies the thing, with Google I get ads, small, unobtrusive, and normally relevant text ads, which sometimes enhance my browsing experience, sometimes entertain me, but mostly I don’t even fucking notice. Same thing with Facebook, I won’t notice an ad unless a typo yells at me or the ad is so fucking stupid it just begs to be shared around and mocked.

And it’s not that I hate advertising, in fact, my favourite part of many print magazines, including all the Maltese ones, is the ads, for reasons which fall somewhere between disbelief and bewilderment, most especially the Maltese ads, once again.

In summary, SMS ads are that most dirty of words, ‘obtrusive‘, coupled with ‘annoying’, ‘ridiculous’, ‘loosely targeted’ and ‘moronic’. And once again, no, Google ads and Facebook ads don’t bug me at all. Vodafone ads, Go ads, man do you make my blood boil. So let me say out loud, once and for all; Maltese companies, your moronic attempts to convince to buy your stupid shit by SMS will not work on me. That is, unless by ‘work’ you mean ‘piss someone off enough to spend a good hour writing a scathing blog post about us and our shifty ways of making money from our clients.’