I feel the need to lighten the atmosphere somewhat. What with people being called names, other people being called worse names, and some name-slinging going on, I think it’s time to chill the fuck out and have a good laugh.

Many people would list the birth of their first child or some such happening as the top thing they’ve ever witnessed. Well, I’m an overgrown child who thankfully hasn’t procreated yet, so my list of top 5 most awesome things I’ve ever witnessed is a tad more low key. And ridiculous.

1: Guitar stand

So, two of my friends/bandmates and myself are walking in front of Mosta church. One of us is carrying a brand new guitar stand. A misbehaving child, running around below eye level walks straight into the brand spanking new heavy metal stand, pun intended. Face meets metal, brutality ensues.

Best bit; the child’s mother screams at the child, saying, “I told you that if you run around any more I’m going to bash your face in.”

2: Trash

City Gate, Valletta. I’m walking out of the city, and somehow, not wearing headphones. A typical ħamallu teenager walks across me and tells a guy in his 50s, whom he obviously knew, “He sent his regards!” Older guy says “Who?” Younger guy says “Gonzi!”

Older guy says “Silence, and don’t mention garbage!”

I have to admit, to hear the exchange in Maltese, completely unexpected, right in front of your eyes, that was priceless. I laughed all the way home.

3: Swearing

I have a neighbour, a woman, one who swears at her kids from the minute they get home from school to just after they go to bed, day in, day out. Summer holidays can really get to you in this neighborhood.

In any case, last week, the woman’s 7 year old had a birthday. 50 kids screaming in the yard. The best part, the woman really, really, really wanted to swear and blaspheme at her kids, because I could hear it in her voice, and she couldn’t, because of all the other kids around, not to mention their parents. Maybe it’s just me, but damn do I love blasphemy, especially when it can’t happen due to the company one is in.

4: Fisticuffs

Watching a very large, very round, very drunk wedding guest attempt to punch the head of security a large hotel. Said head of security happened to be a champion boxer, a fact which connected with the fat man a lot later than the head of security’s fist to the side of fat man’s jaw. Who says hospitality work is boring?

5: Combat

St Paddy’s day in Malta. A somewhat moronic yearly happening, given that we have every bloodline in this country, except Paddy’s. Probably. In any case, the drunken debauchery got much much better one year. And in the usual Paceville style, it included a fight. A fight, in front of Havana, between a company of US Navy sailors on shore leave, and a team of drunken Irish men, who it transpired later were a rugby team. I think. Bloody bonus: the first point of contact between the two buffer zones was a veritable wall of beer bottles meeting in mid air. And watching the sailors get the shit kicked out of them not once, but twice, courtesy of Paddy and their quartermaster respectively.