The 8 most annoying sales expressions

She — 11 October 2011

There are a few reasons why I do not bother to buy everything from abroad. I suspect, however, that the local marketing people and their insanely intelligent promotional messages may have warped my mind to think that local is better. Then I do a double take and realise that in fact, these ads are moronic, idiotic and quite frankly, stupid. Here are the 8 most annoying sales expressions ever to be dreamt up and vomited all over your choice of media, be it print, tv, radio or web.

1: Party like never before

Really? How can you tell me what I have or have not done before? You literally have no idea just how I ‘party’, since you insist on making a verb of it. So what’s the big surprise then? Are you going to provide elephant tranquilizers at the door and ‘teen lingerie dancers’ for entertainment, or maybe elephant lingerie dancers – now that would totally be like never before!

2: Trade fair offer

You might have fallen for this particular little nugget. However, if you haven’t, let me explain this one to the uninitiated. What they do is offer you last year’s model for €20 euros off this year’s model’s price. What a ‘bargin’! Bargejn? I can never get that one right.

3: 100% fresh juice

That’s just lovely isn’t it? 100% fresh juice. Really? Oh, so can you explain the carton of Kean/Pfanner juice sitting on your counter then?

4: Up to 70% off

Let’s get this straight. ‘Up to’ means nothing is over 30% off in your shop and you are just trying to get me to your shop, aren’t you? Admit and repent!

5: Buy 3 for 2

If this was a promo from Boots in the UK I’d believe this was a great offer. However, if you’re selling chocolate which is about to go off and not even having the common courtesy to state it under the offer – that is really sad!

6: Clinically proven

Oh is it? Which clinic? By what proof? Oh, you’re not entirely sure are you? No problem, I’ll wait.
And yes, I’d like to see the lab reports.

7: 9 in 10 women saw a difference

Oh did they? Interesting. I would ask about sample bias and that sort of thing, but you wouldn’t get it, so I’ll ask you a straight up simple question; “how many women are there in the world and which ones did you sample?”

8: Results guaranteed

Guaranteed how? Do you mean to tell me I can drive up to your house and stab you in the neck if it doesn’t work as advertised? No? Oh shit, I’ll just ask a question in that case; “How can you possible guarentee results when you do not have the subject (ie: me) in a controlled testing environment?”

Or perhaps I’ll just make you and your moronic marketing teams watch this from now until the end of time: