I have already written about what the Church should do once, but in the spirit of coaching and consultation which he have been witness to lately, and most especially owing to the dire financial streets Mother Church finds herself in, perhaps even I could be of some worldly assistance. I’m no financial guru, but I know a little something about revenue streams, and with prayer and shrewd judgement, these might be converted into torrential rivers of love. So here are 5 new ways for the Church to make money.
1: Gay conversions
Whatever happened to the good old sexually repressed Catholic priest doing gay conversions? I miss those days. Of course, this is not to mention that all the so-called pastors running around ‘converting the gays’ are in fact, quite brutally infringing on the Intellectual Property Rights that the Church has on making people feel guilty and hate themselves for being born one way rather than the other. Hey, guilt is our job, butt out of it, no pun intended. So, yes, gay conversion should become one of the Church’s foremost business concerns, after all, God knows there’s a market for it!
This sort of thing was easily done in the past, and with grave things such as sins, not just money. In fact, I don’t understand why the Church, in its spirit of infinite forgiveness has not yet suggested this particular route. It would certainly be the simplest, and what’s more, would earn a bunch of people their rightful place in heaven. So why not just wipe the debt? Y’know, in return for a piece of paper or a papal bull, or something.
3: Costume design
Thinking out of the box here, but the Church really does have a wonderful stock of clothing. A former boss of mine used to rent costumes and props from a theatre; that would no longer be required! What do you need, a frock? We got all sizes. A dog collar? Sure thing, white, or slightly in the yellowish? Shit, I bet Clinton Paul would have a field day in your average church vestry, and wouldn’t we suffer the YouTube consequences after.
Now I know this may seem slightly unconventional, but in these hard times every avenue must be exhausted. The Church is no stranger to the world of advertising after all. But how about advertising, from the pulpit? Straight from the horse’s mouth as it were. Don’t tell me you wouldn’t buy an iPad if your vicar delivered his sermon from a neatly ordered bulleted list in a Keynote he’s stored on, guess what, iCloud. Product placement, with a divine twist.
5: Subscription model
This is the model a large number of online services use to make money, and conversely, the one Facebook will never, ever go for. It would work quite simply too. It’s not like the Church doesn’t have all our details to begin with, so your ID number or, say, the names of your parents would suffice to identify you. This way you get a free trial worth no less than €500, and which consists of 2 masses, a confession and half a village festa. No purchase necessary, this is just our way of saying thank you. No obligations either, if after 5 minutes of Mass or half a confession you feel like you don’t like what’s going on, you’re free to move on, perhaps even write a bitching review.
If you do like what goes on, there’ll be a charge of €15 per mass attended, or else, you can buy 100 masses for the amazing, one time only price of €1259. Not only would this approach grant the Church a lease on a totally new, and still tax free, source of cash, it would also rid us moderates of all those good for nothing pseudo faithful who liberally quote and flout the Bible as their needs best serve them, and who never fail to get under my skin.