With the current tension in the country, just a few days after the Budget for next year was announced, you might find yourself short of good conversation starters, especially when in mixed company, by which I mean, when you have Labourites and PN supporters at the same place. Assuming you don’t care about pissing off the Nationalists, here are 5 Things you should say to Labourites. These are tried and tested and work if you really want to appear sympathetic, knowledgeable and above all, politically aware.

1: Gonzi

A lot of bile is piled onto the leaders of both parties, and of course, with the margins we see in elections, our Prime Minister is usually the most loved man on the islands, as well as the most hated one. That said, I do think Lawrence Gonzi is one of the most reviled figures around at the moment, and although I don’t agree entirely, I can see why this is so.

Also, the name Gonzi does roll off the tongue with some ease. It does so better than Gatt, Fenech and even Fenech Adami. Sometimes, when shit goes wrong, I even feign swearing simply by going “Gonzi, Gonzi, Gonzi, Gonzi” as loud as I can, and I don’t even dislike the guy. It follows that I can see how he could become the beating boy for Labourites on the island. Anything you say to Labourites which consists of the word Gonzi and slight sneer is bound to get applause aplenty.

2: Leader

Pretty much anything you say to Labourites can be twisted into a positive meaning simply by mentioning ‘the Leader’. I had never thought Labour was a particularly spiritual place to be, but their Leader always seems to have an air of reverence around him, like an ayatollah or something.

Luckily for us, to my knowledge, no Labour leader has ever demanded that we call him Supreme Leader Overlord or something to that effect. So even if the thought of referring to another man as the leader riles you, remember that it could be worse.

3: Mintoff is God

In Labour circles, the fact that Mintoff is both immortal and God is accepted pretty much as scientific fact. Never dispute this. This is to your advantage, and I will explain why.

Mention of Mintoff gels Labourites like Pattex and your girlfriend’s shoes. Why? Simple. Older, more nostalgic Labourites can relive the glory days and nod in agreement while nodding off to sleep. Younger Labourites who were not around and don’t really know that much are in no position to disagree, especially for fear that an errant word might wake the elders from their slumber.

4: Divorce

Mention divorce to a bunch of Labourites and it’s like you took Rosa Parks, Rodney King and NWA to a black power gathering. Civil rights abound and aplenty. Of course, divorce was given to this country by Labour. They had a freevote and whatnot. But Gonzi, see point 1, he’d never have had it were it not for Supreme Leader Joseph’s vision of rights for this country.

5: Bills

The great unifying theme of all conversation in this country is bills. Everyone complains about their damn bills, Nationalists and Labourites alike. The difference is this. Labourites have somehow been convinced by the telepathic telekinesis power of the Supreme Leader, that water and energy bills are set arbitrarily high by the incumbent government and that he, Great Leader, can halve them at a swoop. Which is true of course, but conveniently forgets the economic and environmental toll embroiled in the price cut.

Still, you should never get too technical. Just say ‘bills’ in front a bunch of Labourites, and the conversation will be gently wrested from your hands and you relax and enjoy your coffee, confident that you’ve said the right things.

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Do you want to read “The 5 Things you should say to Nationalists“? Your dream can become a reality. Drop me a comment with your idea, or an email if it’s really good and sharing will spoil it, and I’ll choose the best ones and put them up here. Or write the goddamn thing myself.