It can’t always be politicians can it? No it can’t, so right now, the beating boys and girls in Malta are students. Some of them were complete asses last week when they injured a faculty Dean at University. Thousands more are being asses right now, ‘buscading’ through the streets, which is shorthand for ‘making complete fucking asses of themselves, riding a bus all day long, making shitloads of noise and basically being pains in the collective arse’.

Although I did finish university at a point in my life, I never did go buscading. To be honest, I only needed one reason not to go, and that was the magical “I don’t fucking want to go.” But in retrospect, I think that single reason was a combo. In fact, here are 5 Reasons Why I didn’t go buscading.

1: People

Listen, if I’m going to be honest, I didn’t like most of the people in my university degree. And I’m sorry, but after a handful of years of scoffing at every question certain people posed in lectures, I wasn’t prepared to pretend I liked them just because the course was finished. I know who my friends are, and although I made lots of them at uni, my group could fit a 14 seater minivan, or as indeed did happen, a small bar. Not on wheels.

In the past, I thought you were a bitch. Now, you're a bitch in make-up, and I have a hangover.

2: Noise

I’m no fan of making noise. I may blow my trumpet a bit, but it’s a metaphorical trumpet, so the sound is purely controllable. On the other hand, 75,000 air horns brandished by drunken, hysterical students are very literal indeed, and quite loud too. Perhaps because I’m not your typical Maltese, but I don’t think that making a bunch of noise purely for noise’s sake is a good way to celebrate anything. Especially if that noise includes the ‘awesome party mix’ your delusional official course DJ buffoon ‘carefully selected’.

3: Work

Now I may be painfully utilitarian, but in my view, completing my degree was always a key with which I could open the door to the kind of job I wanted. There was no romantic delusion there, and if anything, one thing I did learn at uni was that I never ever wanted the kind of job for which my course was ‘preparing’ me. So with my course finished, I didn’t waste an afternoon running around on a bus. I went interviewing. And I think that it’s no coincidence that people who were on the bus didn’t find a job for a whole year after, while I was already sick of the work rat race.

"About that job? Yeah Mum, they said they don't hire idiots."

4: Delusions of grandeur

This is something I feel many suffer from. Let’s put it straight, you may think the world cares that you and your compadres have finished 7 tough years learning how to be a lawyer or what have you, but in the real world, what actually goes through people’s heads when you sail loudly through their neighbourhood is “Jesus, another bunch of fucking lawyers/accountants/wankers!” Sorry to break it to you, but although you may feel that what you did is monumental, and it may be on a personal level, for the rest of the world it’s nothing but a fart in the wind. Big whoop for you.

How awesome am we? Oh yes, about as awesome as a bird loving sushi chef I know.

5: Ridiculous

Maybe I’m completely alone in thinking this, but isn’t the very idea of climbing onto a bus, ambling about aimlessly for a day, make shit loads of noise and bother people, all to celebrate the end of some years of study, or what passes for that, completely and entirely ridiculous. Seriously? On a psychological level, what kind of approval are you looking for when you do that? And by the way, I love the irony of having finished university, an institution which is supposed to make you think for yourself, then clamber onto a bus wearing a uniform of a so, so funny t-shirt, along with all the others, just like sheep. Way to go thinking for yourself there Dumbo.

Oh yes, green whistles make it all so much better

I should explain that I don’t actually know any of the students in the pictures above. All pics lifted from the good people of the Times of Malta. If you just flat out hate students and think that life on a Cambodian community farm is best, check out my 5 reasons why you should pay for University.