You may have guessed I’m not really the sporting type, especially the team sports variety. As some t-shirt said when I was growing up “Does not play well with others”. But that’s not all. I do like some sports, even if it’s just watching them being played. What spoils it for me are other people, always other people. In fact, here are 5 people at sporting events you just have to hate.

1: The coach

There’s always at least three of these individuals at every sporting match. Two of them might be wearing team colours and sitting in the dug out next to the teams. The other will be sitting next to you and will be quite vocal about every single goddamn thing the both teams are doing/are not doing. The great tactician,Sun Tzu, sitting right next to you, running his mouth. His fat, pasty fucking mouth which belies the fact he hasn’t wobbled his arse around in as long as you’ve been alive.

2: The taunter

You get plenty of these to go around at every sporting event too. They’re the ones with a witty, mocking comment about every single thing that happens on court or in field, no matter how innocuous or unimportant. And every comment is so funny isn’t it! Oh Sliema, oh Sliema, how we whipped your asses and more of this inane shit. Oh the comments do have me pissing myself, but only from fucking renal failure from having to listen to more and more bigoted, stupid, provincial shit about the guys in this colour shirt beating seven shades of shit out of the guys in the other colour shirts.

3: The guy with the horn

What is it about air horns that makes whoever is holding one an irresponsible, annoying, noisy twat? Now I can understand a few hundred air horns in a hotly debated match, even though I can’t actually tolerate them. What I don’t get is the lone horner, the one guy and his horn who proceeds to deafen the stands with his idea of ‘suitable sporting encouragement‘. Which we of course all know is both moronic and risky. Remember you fat fuck, I’m sitting behind you with hot coffee in my hand.

4: The commentator

Have you ever wondered what the score is right after you’ve read it off the scoreboard? Worry not, the commentator has you covered. You and everyone else within earshot too. An amateur Andy Gray indeed, sexist barbs and what have you included. Of course this would help if you were sitting 500 miles from the court, watching on TV. If you’re closer to the fucking ball than the players themselves, it follows that the commentator’s steady spout of bullshit is not just redundant, it’s unwanted.

5: The extra official

You know the one, surely you do. This is the ass who sits next to you and disputes every single referee/umpire decision. He, because it’s always a he, knows best, not the muppets on court. Always. I. Must. Sit. Next. To. The. Overweight. Balding. Piece. Of. Shit. And of course said piece of shit will just have to start running his mouth, whereupon I will compelled to give a demonstration of the finer points of combat which I learnt by, surprise surprise, getting the shit kicked out of me on the regular, and not by commenting on boxing matches.

Bonus – The Politician.

It’s a scientific fact that politicians and sports do not match. Politicians excel at an ancient sport, that of spinning yarns with infinite amounts of bullshit, not the actual things we call sport today. Of course, this is the case for Malta, not say, Russia, a country in which Putin is both sport and religion. In our case, however, keep the shit talking politicos away from sport, they’re not very for anything except target practice rounds in the break.