Last week, we attended an imaginary social gathering at which a large number of Labour Party supporters were in attendance. In that particular post, I told you of 5 things you should say to Labour Party supporters so as to ensure that the evening passes harmoniously. Today, it’s the same thing, but also quite different. This time, I’ll be telling you of 5 Things you have to say to Nationalists.

1: Europe

Everyone knows that Malta’s membership in the EU is entirely a Nationalist phenomenon. In fact, following a landmark derogation, Maltese Labour supporters are actually not counted as EU citizens, and they have the status of something between an alien and a resident. Nonetheless, if you want to kick start a conversation with Nationalists, just say Europe. You’ll fast be reminded that millennia of trade and communication with the continent fade by comparison to the last few years of EU membership.

2: Violence

One way to get Nationalists all animated is to mention violence. Regardless what kind it is you’ve mentioned, Nationalists run to mention of the violence of the 80s like an AA group runs to the open bar. Remember that this is a very strong conversation starter, guaranteed to make you loved and respected by the blues, but reviled if there is a single Labour dude around. Luckily for you, we’ve had a much needed reminder of the history, and luckily for Nationalists, Labour have clumsily tried to spin history, and failed.

3: Lou

It is a scientific fact, or at least a fact accepted by Nationalists, that Lou Bondi is God, this notwithstanding the fact that he’s an avowed unbeliever. Apart from being the template against which we should measure investigative journalists, Nationalists believe Bondi is also the most stylish man in the country, and there is emprical proof that he is singlehandedly pushing up sales of suspenders countrywide. This is not to mention that the man is a musical prodigy and that his guitar talents have made angels weep on many an occasion.

4: Labour’s arrogance

One thing which unites Nationalists like the proverbial concrete and bedrock is their hatred of Labour’s arrogance. It doesn’t really matter what on, arrogance is what counts. The subject can be MEPA, the euro crisis, or anything Edward Scicluna says in the European Parliament. However, don’t make the mistake of calling Eddie Fenech Adami an arrogant homophobic old man. Don’t do that. Just mention how arrogant Labour or a particular subset of the Labour Party is, and the party’s yours for the taking. Metaphorically of course.

5: Progress

It is an established scientific fact that all sorts of progress carried out in this country over the last few decades has been the doing solely of the Nationalist party. Forget innovative businesses, dedicated educators, some people’s intelligence and a lot of hard work, no, every iota of progress, whatever that may actually be, was all due to the good God fearing men of the Nationalist Party. That this fact is not known to all and sundry is a huge pain in the average Nationalist’s behind. Be sure to remind him of it, but do so gently, that they may be able to warm up to the task and fully enunciate all the areas in which we progressed thanks to the efforts of the imperfect but holy men at the helm. Get ready to hear lots about smart this and smart that.

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Do you want to read “The 5 Things you should say to Norman Lowell“? Your dream can become a reality. Drop me a comment with your idea, or an email if it’s really good and sharing will spoil it, and I’ll choose the best ones and put them up here. Or write the goddamn thing myself.