I think they say that much like Marmite, you either love or hate Christmas. I’ll agree that for the most part this is true, but I wouldn’t be me if I didn’t disagree ever so slightly. Now you might think that hating Christmas because it’s a materialistic orgy is perfectly fine within the context of this exercise. It’s not. Modern life in itself is touted as a materialistic orgy, so nil points for that. Think harder.
If you don’t hate Christmas on a deep, almost visceral level it may be hard to think of reasons why you would hate it, but thankfully for you all, I conquered my fear, took the leap of faith and came up with 5 Things I hate about Christmas.
This is the easy bit. Christmas lights suck. I hate them. I can understand where the tradition came from in the past, which was mostly necessity since electric lights were not, readily available. And it must have looked plenty pretty too, all them candles and lamps.
However, what you get now is a million lumens nightmare on the front of every 4th house. It’s ugly, distasteful and wasteful, for the most part. Some people do Christmas lights right, most don’t. If your Christmas lights are synced to hit Christmas songs and ebb and flow according to the music, you’ve taken it too far. If we had snow in this country and I had it my way, you’d be dragged outside and left to die. Under your own fucking lights.
Having been born with something called logic firmly planted in my head, I could never quite stomach the idea that not only are we supposed to be celebrating the birth of a superbeing called Jesus, but that there’s also a bearded, mostly Nordic superbeing whose job was deliveries in the time before Amazon. Truth be told, although Santa’s powers seemed much more impressive than Jesus’, I never really liked the idea of Santa, and now that everyone uses Santa to sell more shit, I like it even less.
And woe betide the Maltese version of Santa, who is not only clumsily called ‘Christmas Father’, but has a dark olive complexion, black chest hairs peeking out of his unbuttoned tunic and given by the fact he’s hanging outside the balcony, no clue where to find a fucking chimney.
I hate shopping for the most part, although I’ll admit to softening up (and even going hard) in some of the great places to shop on this planet; New York, Sydney, London. That being said, going to the shops here in Malta around Christmas time is torment. Not only is the same ghastly shit being sold at a phenomenal pace and phenomenal prices (which you can get cheaper online), you also meet every man and his dog, and, do this to a ghastly, horrifying soundtrack of Christmas songs and yelling kids.
4: Christmas Songs
I don’t actually mind Christmas Carols all that much, given that most of them have some sort of rich tradition behind them and what not. Christmas songs, on the other hand, are mostly sung by has-been artists in a last ditch attempt to get their name mentioned during that particular calendar year. You only hear these songs during approximately 6 weeks of the year, but still they manage to graze and scar you forever, a fact you’ll appreciate when you catch yourself humming the chorus to some godawful tune while shopping. When you do catch yourself doing this, may I suggest that you ask your shopping partner to hit you over the head with the turkey baster you just bought. Don’t worry, you’re never going to use it anyway.
I gave you my heart
But the very next day you gave it away
To save me from tears
I’ll give it to someone special
And how exactly is this a Christmas song after all? It’s just an anthem of self pity which any emo band could’ve written! So last Christmas you drunkenly fumbled someone and you expected them to remember you? Joke’s on you.
5: Christmas films
You might say, “Oh come on, what’s wrong with Christmas films mate, it’s something for the kids to watch after lunch, while the adults gossip as they do every other day of the year!” And you’d be quite right, for the most part, Christmas films are just that. Still, I can not accept mediocrity. Remember good Christmas films, anyone? Like, really good films? Gremlins, Bad Santa, Love Actually, The Nightmare Before Christmas, Elf, Home Alone? Oh you do, don’t you? Well, don’t forget them. No more good Christmas films are being made. Ever. Again.
And yes, if you are going to shop at all this Christmas, save your pennies and get your shit online. Stop letting business fat cats screw you out of all the good deals.
So, now that your Christmas vibe has been shattered, check out what I wrote last year about why NYE in Malta sucks. I assure you nothing’s changed. It still sucks.