It’s pretty safe to say that Malta is not exactly a cutting edge force in humour, especially the dark kind of humour which I seem to gravitate towards. In fact, it seems that the funniest thing to happen in Malta during the past year is a guy who calls himself Jonny il-Kajboj and pretty much does fuck all but deliver lame punchlines in an irritating, nasal voice. Don’t worry, that’s not all I don’t like about Jonny il-Kajboj.

Let it be said that I do know the guy in the horrible vest and wig (again, I’m not counting those towards my reasons), and I like him. If I were to meet him sans comedic act, I might shake his hand, and I’d be happy to do that. If I meet him in character, however, I’d be aching to baton him upside the head. Here are my 5 Reasons why I absolutely loathe Jonny il-Kajboj.

1: The name

I’m sorry, did I miss a meeting somewhere or is Kajboj, a childish Maltese corruption on the word ‘cowboy’ still funny, even now that we’re past the age of 6? For a start, it’s puerile, and secondly, there’s a glaring error in the full name. Now I know we don’t have the letter ‘y’ in Maltese but it seems logical to me that to ‘correctly’ write that name, you’d have to at least start by dropping the ‘i’ off the ‘artiklu‘, that is, ‘il-’. So it should read as ‘Jonny l-Kajboj’, but then I do suspect the people who find Jonny funny aren’t big on reading in any case.

2: The premise

I fail to see exactly what’s so funny about a guy asking fuming people in Valletta where the minister responsible for transport among other things is to be found, all while being followed by a camera. And looking, walking, talking and acting like a complete doofus. For a start, what kind of question is that? And second, why are you asking? And third, if that was supposed to be a loaded question, why was it loaded with complete bullshit? And no Jonny, grunting and chuckling away yourself doth not a joke make. Sorry.

3: The Catchphrase

What the fuck is it with that harsh, gargly  ’U żguuuur‘ which Jonny l-Kajboj, (note ‘correct’ spelling) puts into every second broken sentence to ever exit his trap? Why is that supposed to make me laugh, or at the very least, crack a smile? It’s not that I’m humourless, dour and unsmiling, it’s just that ‘U żguuur’ has a tenuous grasp on comedic effect in the best of cases, and that weak grasp weakens further with every repetition. So at about the 15th time when Jonny repeats it ‘U żguuuur’, it starts to become less of a joke and more of a proverbial hammer with which you’d really like correct Jonny’s horribly mangled language acquisition skills.

4: Broken English

In my view, the broken english humour ship has not only sailed, but it’s been on the ocean for decades and last we heard of it, was tossed about in a storm in the Tasman Sea and violently foundered 500 miles off Antarctica. Which is why I can not, for the life of me, figure out what’s so funny about Jonny saying ‘Move back please’ in the tone, voice and exact same context which we seemed to hate so much just a few months ago. That’s not funny. Nor is “customer care” funny when you butcher it like that. And if you think that it’s funny because some people actually do butcher words that way, you’re wrong. That’s precisely why that shit ain’t funny, not in the least. Oh and by the way, even for Malta, that particular brand of humour, is old, unoriginal and looks like a sad YouTube self parody based on the offcuts from Mind Your Language.

5: The Arriva Connection

I don’t know about you, but I find Jonny il-Kajboj’s connection to Arriva highly suspect. How did it happen that from ‘making humour’, Jonny is now what seems to be a card carrying spokesperson and PR guy for Arriva? That’s really just what we wanted, right? To have a loose parody of the aforementioned bus cartel guy, with all the inherent unpleasantness conveniently rubbed out, communicating with us, the great unwashed masses, on behalf or Arriva. Are you following this at all?

Let me get this straight. We painfully and very expensively get rid of the bus driver cartel, go through a huge run of so-called ‘teething problems‘ with the new bus system, only to get a buffoon like Jonny to make us laugh by reminding of the sort of thing we always wanted to lose! Sorry to be dour here, but where’s the fucking logic in that? Is this supposed to be a joke?