Now I’m no fan of conniving politicians, but I do think we should have an election in Malta, like, right now. In fact, these are 8 reasons why we should have an election.
1: Begging for votes
There is nothing I love more in this world, than a temporarily stunned and humbled politician trying to get their story straight, keeping a good smile up and getting you to vote for them. It truly is a sight to be witnessed. It’s as awesome as the look you get from the priest who comes to bless your house, when at the very last he expects that donation, which was the point of his visit anyway. It’s just like that, but in suits.
2: New definitions of democracy
Every election we get a new definition of democracy. All our politicians, some of which I daresay are half illiterate, feel the need to inform us that ‘this is what democracy means’, and ‘that is what democracy means’, and ‘this is why we live in a democracy’. To which I normally answer, “No, we live in democracy because I can call you a shitting fucktard, and not get hauled away in the middle of the night in a police van!” You can use that one on your most hated politician if you like. You’re welcome.
3: Junk mail
I can’t wait to get the equivalent of a small Swedish forest in junk mail through the letter box. I just can’t wait. Oh what fun, fun, fun, I get to look at a bunch of horribly Photoshopped pics of politicians’ ugly mugs and their fugly, fugly children. And I can have a lot of fun arbitrarily deciding who’s getting my vote and who’s not, based on which one of you has the hottest daughter/wife.
Much like the above, this involves around a gigabyte of unsolicited, boring and horribly phrased press releases, scare mongering emails and other, sundry, ridiculous bullshit from both parties’ propaganda machines. And I’ll have a lot of fun blacklisting your mail servers, you lowdown, illegally lifting email addresses fucks.
5: Knocks on the door
Oh yes, this one is my favourite. Nothing like a greasy politician’s knock on my door to get my evening chilling started. Well, a hot argument about why he’s not getting my vote would actually be better. But that’s if I don’t use one of my 13 patented ways of getting rid of pestering bastards at my door.
6: Mass meetings
They’re exactly like Isle of MTV, but lamer, cheesier, and a whole lot more annoying. And they’re happening in your town, for weeks on end, with nary a warning, and of course, won’t feature Snoop Dogg. Can’t you just feel all the fun we’re having here? But there will be a theme song, no two, and how awesome they will be both be, right?
The ultimate bastion of civilization, the carcade. Which of course makes me wonder, given the fact that we have no more old buses now, what are people going to carcade with? Oh I get it, the construction industry, which is so independent of politics, will more than happily furnish us with 500 of their trucks, for party nitwits to jump, dance, get drunk on and hopefully fall off. There, I said it, I hope you ignorant, halfwit bastards fall off your mechanical, electoral victory high horse.
8: Coach Peppi
I can’t wait to see who Peppi will be coaching this time around. Of course, shame Peppi let himself go so badly these past few years. Had he still been fit and sprightly, we might have been regaled with earth shattering footage of George Pullicino plodding around the Marsa Race Track, most probably while Adele’s Rolling in the Deep plays on repeat in his iPod.