Yesterday I watched two films. One of them was called Deja Vu and featured Denzel Washington, the other was called Drive and featured Ryan Gosling, Bryan Cranston, Cristina Hendricks and the girl from ‘An Education’. Both films are based on unlikely premises, Deja Vu much more than most, but only one of them made me want to pull my eyes out and slowly bleed to death for wasting my time with such an epic piece of shit.

Now they tell me that Drive is what you call a B-Movie, so if you agree with that assessment and feel that B-Movies are allowed to be shite, I suggest you stop reading here. If you’re curious, let me tell you that the B stands for Bollocks, and you’ll be saying that a lot while watching Drive, mostly out of sheer Boredom.

For a start, the film isn’t shot too badly, and the angles, slow captures, colour choices and constant slow motion scenes will not annoy you for the first 20 minutes. After that, it all gets a bit old, especially when you realise the story is poorer than a beggar in Calcutta.

I’ve never liked main actor Ryan Gosling at all, but some say he’s a great actor, so I put my feelings aside and watched. Now I hate that flat faced bastard more than ever. Not only can I still not understand why the hell anyone would consider Gosling to be attractive, with his highly compacted facial features and dumbstruck expression, now I hate him even worse for trying to act like some kind of Gary Oldman in Leon, and failing miserably. Get your hands out of your pocket you piece of shit, because you don’t look cool. And if your dialogue is mostly limited to short, curt answers which are supposed to max out our your coolness, I’m sorry, that’s not working with me, you just look like an unemphatic bastard with a slow reaction time. And fuck “Kim Jong Il looking at things”, the internet meme should be revised to “Ryan Gosling looking at pointless shit while chewing a toothpick and trying to be enigmatic, but being as flat as your failed attempt to make burger buns which ended up looking like pancakes“.

And who the hell casts Bryan Cranstone and Cristina Hendricks only to waste their talent completely? Hendricks is one of the sexiest, sweetest, most charming and most convincing actresses I’ve ever had the pleasure of seeing on screen, but in this film, her lines are limited to one or two, and she exits too soon, without even having added any dimension to the film whatsoever. Cranstone is a cripple you want to kick where it hurts, because he’s a fake pastiche of a one dimensional character at best. I couldn’t believe this guy is the same one who played Walter White in Breaking Bad, the best TV drama ever since The Wire. Then there’s Carey Mulligan, who was amazing in ‘An Education’ but just looks, feels and acts brain dead in this brain dead film. I just found it incredible that you could take a cast of such fine actors and make them look like hapless hacks who couldn’t act for shit. Doing that takes talent.

And then there’s the pointless, completely gratuitous violence. It’s not that violence in films bugs me, in fact, I actually quite dig the gore, but there has to be a reason behind it, and if the reason is “shit, the story’s a bit flat, let’s add some blood”, well then, don’t expect me to like it. Think about is, and SPOILERS BE HERE, but this film actually wants you to believe that Ryan Gosling happens to be the driver for a holdup in which his neighbor is involved, in a heist that seems to have really been masterminded by the rich guy who’s financing his race car. And there’s a bit of blood every time someone loses his temper. Say whaaat?

So in essence what I’m saying is that Drive is a pointless, flat attempt at noire film making, so pointless you should never waste two hours of life to watch it, because believe me, when you’re done, you’ll want to turn back time and watch something at least half decent instead.