I know, I know, I’m a louse and I’m a depressive fart who loves nothing more than to go around and piss on various bonfires. Actually, that’s a pretty stunningly accurate description of yours truly. You might say, what have you got against Carnival, what’s it done to bother you, and yadda yadda yadda, but you would be right to ask.

Thing is, Carnival ain’t never bothered me at all, you have. In fact, here are 5 Things I Hate about Carnival, or five things I hate about you which you do at Carnival. Take your fuckin’ pick.

1: Automatic fun

So let me get this straight, the aim of Carnival is to dress up as something ridiculous, drink copious amounts of booze, listen to loud music and automagically, fun will happen. Now, I’m not really sure what you’re into drinking normally, but anytime there’s loud music and booze involved, I’m already having fun, so really, I don’t actually need to be wearing a hook for a hand and tights to somehow magically expand the level of fun this miserable tosser is having.

2: Pirates

I understand that Johnny Depp and his Pirates franchise (how many films are there now, 15?) have made pirates as popular as vampires and certain black soul singers. I get that, I truly do. Still, it’s a bit old now isn’t it. I mean, for the ones of us who live on the internet, pirates are actually older than Stonehenge, and destined to get more of a condescending smile rather than a guffaw. That’s it, I’m sick and fucking tired of seeing people dress up in the same goddamn ridiculous pirate costume. Next one I catch is getting that hook of his rammed up his arse and twisted.

3: Noise

Now you might not get this about me, me being Maltese and all, but I hate noise, I truly do. I especially hate loud noises for which there is absolutely no justifiable goddamn reason, and among which I can list church bells (because there’s no god), fireworks (because dead people give less than a shit about the noise you’re making to honour them), mass meetings (because politicians are evil, corrupt idiots and you’re the morons who voted them in), carcades (because your team doesn’t actually give a solitary shit that you’re out there supporting them), buscades (because the whole world couldn’t give a fuck that we have yet another halfwit graduate to celebrate) and Carnival. To be honest, in the great scheme of things, Carnival is among the less noisy and least annoying, but can you blame for hating it? Remember I grew up to the sound of Eileen Montesin presenting that sham of a carnival in Valletta, her voice like a garden rake being plunged into a puppy, for hours on end. No wonder I’m still traumatised.

4: Valletta

Remind me, why oh why can’t I go into Valletta on the weekend when 1/3 of the population fucks off to Gozo to become someone else’s problem and not mine? Oh right, of course, I can’t because another third of the population heads down to Valletta with their obese families and yelling, screaming, crying kids in tow, and try to enjoy the piece of shit show of blue hues and pastel pinks, accompanied by that most mindless of music; cheesy 80s and 90s songs rearranged to be more ‘dance’. I could think of worse things to happen to me than be stuck in Valletta this weekend, but then again, I don’t think I’d mind waterboarding so much.

5: Kids

It’s not that I hate kids. I don’t, I really don’t and apparently, I’m really quite good with them, probably because as a man, I’m first and foremost an overgrown child. No, it’s this ridiculous, sanitised, fucking family friendly bullshit I can’t take. Do you think that when the Knights celebrated Carnival there were kids running round in Droopy costumes or cowboy getups or whatever the hell it is parents make their kids wear these days? Fuck no man, those parties would have been legendary, and epically NSFW. Grotesque, sick, exaggerated, vile, you pick your adjective dude, I’m sticking with awesome. Those must have been some parties man! You could have scraped the debauchery off your dancing shoes when you were done. That’s the way Carnival ought to be done, fuck these stupid kid friendly floats and marches with the little princess queen at the front waving her little plastic China made ‘magic’ wand. Kids can wear whatever they damn well please all year round, leave Carnival to us grown ups, and let it be sick and fucking twisted.

Now, where’s my Zombie Obama costume?

I wasn't kidding, the Zombie Obama costume does exist! http://bit.ly/Add2g7